just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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