I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
