i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
