I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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