he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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