Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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