Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
