we're chasing vodka with high fives
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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