All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
