6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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