I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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