Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
