i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
