He had one of those small greek statue penises
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
