That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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