I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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