Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize