i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
