rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
