First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
