dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
