fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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