did you get engaged???
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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