every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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