I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
