Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
