mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
