Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
