I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just want to make out with him forever
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
