dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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