OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
