I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hippo gnu deer
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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