Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
