Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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