the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
