this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
