Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
