i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
