Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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