Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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