Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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