I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
