I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Randomize
