The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
