You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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