Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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