I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
