Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
