i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
