It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
