You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
