i jhust puked up my retainher.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
