she woke up with a sticky ear
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
