he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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