she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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