Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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