i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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