last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
