Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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