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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize